Me and God had a heart to heart this past weekend. I'm so glad to have peace and understanding.
It seems lately, everywhere we go, Kevin and I are approached with the questions "so, when are you going to have kids". The question can be phrased and come out in a lot of different ways. The initial feeling strikes me like a low blow to the stomach. I'm pretty sure I make an ugly face. Of course I want children, I love children and always have. Of course this is something Kevin and I have talked about, and happily are on the same page. I understand that this is a logical "next step" for a couple of young marrieds. Each and every time this questions is asked of me, it lingers in my mind for hours, days, weeks. It is a question that has been asked of me since we got engaged. What offends me most is that this is the only question asked. I provide my response, and the conversation is typically over. No one asks about my job (which I love), my hobbies (which I love), where I grew up, what my parents or sisters, or nieces and nephews are like, my favorite TV shows, the book I'm reading...
For years I have struggled with thoughts of inadequacy, and insecurity. Let me tell you, my husband, quite opposite of me, is someone who is typically unphased by most things from other people. He is VERY good at living in his own little bubble and only inviting others in his bubble if it is someone he wants to have there. There are frequently days that I wish I could learn this skill, then realize it wasn't my skill to have. That's what makes him, him, and me, me.
This is where God stepped in. This past weekend, the question bomb was dropped. Kevin and I standing next to each other. Answering the same questions time after time after time. Going to sleep that night was difficult. I wondered, "why does it bother me so much?" "Why do I care?" "Why do other people want to be all up in our business?" Truthfully, I was angry. Those feelings of inadequacy started creeping in. My thoughts were set on repeat of not having an identity until I am a mother. No one cares about learning about me and what I'm doing with my life...they just want to know when I'm going to produce a Lora or Kevin Jr. I felt broken.
As I sat in the passenger seat of the car the next morning, it clicked. God tapped me on the shoulder and said "Little girl, you are worth more than that!" "Little girl, it doesn't matter what they think." "Little girl, I haven't messed up yet, trust me and my timing." "Little girl, I'll let you know when you're ready to begin the journey as a parent." "Little girl, you are okay and so happy with being a wife right now, enjoy it, because once a little one comes--it will never be just the two of you again." "Little girl, maybe I have something else I want you to do right now that you won't be able to do after kids come along." "Little girl, calm down, take a deep breath, I have plans for you."
Truthfully, I don't even know if I am going to struggle with infertility or miscarriages yet, but I can't imagine how heartbroken I would be if I did and was asked this question repetitively. I live in a state of heartbrokeness for my friends who struggle in this area. If the questioning bothers me so badly, I can't imagine how it feels to be living in the midst of that sort of struggle while dealing with the questions.
I suppose I wrote all of this to say:
1) If you are the question asker--maybe it would behoove you to stop asking and take some time to get to know the person you are asking, maybe they are waiting for a reason, maybe they are seriously hurting and broken from infertility or past miscarriages and just waiting for someone to talk to who seems like they halfway care. Maybe they want to enjoy life as a young married, after all, 90% of the people who ask the question and pester you to have kids probably wish they had waited a little longer anyway.
2) If you are the questions receiver-know that you are not alone. Know that God has a plan for you. Know that you are so loved.
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