Nightmare

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 

Romans 12:12

I keep wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare, but as day after day of this nightmare continues I'm beginning to realize that this is real life. Each day it seems my heart heals a tiny bit more, but this experience has left wounds that I'm not expecting will ever heal completely. I'm just praying that one day they won't be gaping wounds. Maybe one day they will heal to scabs or even scars, but I don't ever want to forget this experience. This wasn't written with the intention of anyone seeing it, but as time goes on and these wounds heal, maybe sharing this will be part of my story. Maybe sharing this will be part of my story that helps others or be a part of their story and healing process. Going through what I've been through has lead me to want to connect with others who have been or are in similar shoes. However, selfishly maybe sharing my story will also one day help me continue to heal.

Truth is, today, I watched this and this. Hillary Scott's words in the first video resonated with me in more ways than one. Her talking about stepping out in boldness to share a story even if you don't think it's worth sharing really encouraged me to do this as part of my healing, but also to be there for someone who may be just entering or just exiting the storm.

We had a miscarriage. We are the 20%. We are that couple. We are heartbroken. We are grieving, but we are healing.

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control.
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul. 
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn.
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.

I can't speak for my husband, but going through this has forced me to go through something that I feared the most. Sure, I've learned a lot in the process, but it is something I never dreamed would actually happen to me. I have now faced one of my biggest fears head on. 

I have wanted to be a mommy since before I can remember. I have day dreamed of holding a tiny tiny baby that was mine and so loved by their mommy and daddy. I have spent a lot of time with babies, children, and teenagers that are not mine and have longed for the day that the miracle near me would actually be mine, and not someone else's.

However, I can now say that I have faced my biggest fear, and I have made it through this experience still standing. I may be beaten and bruised, but I'm still standing-and I can only say I'm standing because I am trusting God in this process. I'm also standing with my biggest blessing-my sweet husband. God knew what he was doing when he put me with such a kind, compassionate, sweet, loving man. He knew that we needed each other to make it through this war together. The unknown is so scary, but I'm choosing to trust God in this muck. In my 28 years of life, He hasn't let me down yet, and I highly doubt He would start now. Even 2 days after this process began, I was learning valuable life lessons that I needed to learn.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I've learned that it's okay that life isn't going to go as you thought it would. God is more in control of situations than I ever thought possible. While I am an active participant in this thing we call life, I'm not in this alone. While I knew this before, I still struggle daily with completely letting go, and trusting. I have a difficult time believing that God truly does have my best interest at heart. I have a lot of difficulty thinking positively in situations. There are days that I allow thoughts of doom and gloom to creep in. The truth is, being a follower of Christ, I am not promised a perfect life, but I am promised eternal life. I'm not promised no trials, I'm promised hard trials. Ones that teach me to lean on a God, who really does have my back. Have you heard this song? It's one of my favorites. The words meant one thing to me before this process, but now it is a completely different ball game.

I'm no longer a slave to fear--I am a child of God. 

I've learned that I can't inherently trust everyone I meet. I've learned that it's okay to keep secrets-I don't have to immediately share every intimate detail about my life in order for people to know me. This is hard for me, but I've learned that not everyone is a friend, and that's okay. I have good friends. Human nature makes me feel like I have to justify why I am not at work, why I don't have a smile on my face, etc. etc., but I've learned that I don't have to share any of that to call out sick for a day or be grumpy. As a human I'm entitled to bad days, but dwelling in them is obviously not healthy. 

In this, I've learned that a lot of people don't know what to say or how to navigate a situation where someone is hurting. My advice is that, if you don't know what to say, or are questioning if what you want to say is appropriate, keep it to yourself. Words hurt more than you think. In this process I have had many hurtful things said to me. Yes, I've been hormonal, and in pain, but once the words are said, you can't take them back. With that being said, if you have something positive, supportive, kind, and loving to say, I'd love to hear it. 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2

I've learned that while modern medicine is good, there is a lot of room for improvement. Two words-bedside manner. In this process I learned that the doctor who handled my case was pretty crummy. She made a lot of mistakes. She built up a lot of hope in a pregnancy that was ending. I left the doctor's office believing things were normal, when in fact in 12 hours I would be miscarrying our first child. She "diagnosed me" with things in a nonchalant way, without explanation. She offered me documentation on miscarriage 2 weeks after my body had lived through the experience. It was exhausting. Needless to say-I have booked an appointment at a new doctor, in a new office. 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Then there are a couple things I've learned that don't need further explanation:

I've learned that I have an incredible support system comprised of friends and family who know just what I need.

I've learned that Google will automatically make me assume the worst (and likely that I am going to die).

One last thing: I'm not completely sure if anyone read or remembers this blog post but I encourage you to read it. For people who are in similar shoes as I, it can be really hurtful to have people ask this question. I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe stop asking. It can be more hurtful than you know.  

Also, for those of you with children: enjoy every single moment- be thankful, hug them tight, call them nice names, love them, snuggle them, praise God for them-they are a miracle. Even on the days when you're tired, you've cleaned up stuff that isn't yours all day, you want to get away-those are the days to do that even more. 

In the darkness I'll dance. In the shadows I'll sing. The Joy of the Lord is my strength.