You're 2!

Dear sweet baby of mine,

I can hardly believe that this day has come, and come so fast!! You’re 2! 

When I look at you I find myself reflecting over the past 24 months and thinking about just how much our lives have changed-yours, mine, and daddy’s.

Looking back, your first year was full of focusing on you meeting milestones, you were here, finished wiggling around in my tummy, but you still felt very much like a part of me. Each day was focused on moving a little bit closer to the next goal. The goals were developmental, physical, cognitive, social, language, etc. But after your first birthday, it felt like a shift occurred. Your second year of life feels like the focus was placed much more on you developing your own identity, separate from me, and boy has it been a ride. You have morphed from a tiny helpless baby to a tenacious toddler. You have developed several interests and (very strong) dislikes. You have opinions and aren’t afraid to express them. You are infatuated with all things Elmo. You have adopted your own sense of style. And unlike me and daddy, you are quite the extrovert. You are beautiful, my child, and some of these things I pray never ever change. 

Before I became your mama, I don’t think I really ever realized how hard and how fast I would fall in love with you. Then I became your mama, and I still cannot believe that there is still room for my love to grow bigger, deeper, and stronger as the days continue to pass by. Don’t get me wrong, parenting has taught me a lot more about the depth and meaning of unconditional love. It’s also taught me that I am far from perfect. You challenge me, my patience, and my house has never been messier, but I wouldn’t have it any other way! You have helped me grow personally and professionally, you have taught me the importance of setting healthy boundaries and focusing on the things that really matter. You have taught me how to advocate and stand up for things that I feel strongly about. Most of all I am thankful God blessed me with a son like you-a piece of my heart I didn't even know I was missing. I consider myself blessed each and every day to be the person you call mommy. I hope you can look back on this life feeling secure and confident that this mama bear has got your back-no matter what. 

Your daddy says that, “the biggest thing you taught me is perspective. Before you were born, I was unsure what I wanted to do with my life. Which career I would want to steer my life into. But that day I saw you in the hospital, and every day afterwards, I have known exactly what I want to be. And that is your dada. As you grow up, you will learn that life has its cycles and you will want to learn little things from each cycle. Marrying your mama has taught me that I can be loved and becoming your dada has taught me that love can be unconditional. No matter what you do in life, you will always have a dada there to support you. I am your biggest fan. I am not the biggest person on emotions but watching you grow up has been the best thing in my life. Mama and dada are proud of you kid, and we can’t wait to see where you go in life. Your kindred spirit will get you far and I hope that you will be able to blend both mine and your mama’s personalities because then you will have a perfect mix.”

Here lately, what I’m realizing is, you’re not just covered by my love for you, or your daddy’s, but when we celebrated your birthday this past weekend, I looked around at a whole bunch of people crammed into a hot picnic shelter who love you. At 2 years old you are already impacting so many people around you in positive ways. You’re pretty remarkable, kiddo.

This world may be filled with big, scary, terrible things, but I challenge you to always find the happy. Your smile lights up the world-people tell me all the time. I hope you will always find and focus on your little slice of happy. Continue to find joy in the simple, every day things that others take for granted-it's your natural gift. 

children are not a distraction from more important work. they are the most important work -c.s. lewis

making the decision to have a child--it's momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body -elizabeth stone

kids make life the best kind of busy

having a 2 year old is like having a blender without a lid -jerry seinfeld

spread love wherever you go. let no one ever come to you without leaving happier -mother teresa

Happy birthday, Nolan. We love you more than any words could ever describe!

Mama and Daddy

Photo Credit: Mary Gorry Photography http://www.marygorryphotography.com/ 

Nolan's Shirt Credit: Peace Love Paisley https://www.etsy.com/shop/PeaceLoveandPaisley

Nightmare

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 

Romans 12:12

I keep wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare, but as day after day of this nightmare continues I'm beginning to realize that this is real life. Each day it seems my heart heals a tiny bit more, but this experience has left wounds that I'm not expecting will ever heal completely. I'm just praying that one day they won't be gaping wounds. Maybe one day they will heal to scabs or even scars, but I don't ever want to forget this experience. This wasn't written with the intention of anyone seeing it, but as time goes on and these wounds heal, maybe sharing this will be part of my story. Maybe sharing this will be part of my story that helps others or be a part of their story and healing process. Going through what I've been through has lead me to want to connect with others who have been or are in similar shoes. However, selfishly maybe sharing my story will also one day help me continue to heal.

Truth is, today, I watched this and this. Hillary Scott's words in the first video resonated with me in more ways than one. Her talking about stepping out in boldness to share a story even if you don't think it's worth sharing really encouraged me to do this as part of my healing, but also to be there for someone who may be just entering or just exiting the storm.

We had a miscarriage. We are the 20%. We are that couple. We are heartbroken. We are grieving, but we are healing.

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control.
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul. 
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn.
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.

I can't speak for my husband, but going through this has forced me to go through something that I feared the most. Sure, I've learned a lot in the process, but it is something I never dreamed would actually happen to me. I have now faced one of my biggest fears head on. 

I have wanted to be a mommy since before I can remember. I have day dreamed of holding a tiny tiny baby that was mine and so loved by their mommy and daddy. I have spent a lot of time with babies, children, and teenagers that are not mine and have longed for the day that the miracle near me would actually be mine, and not someone else's.

However, I can now say that I have faced my biggest fear, and I have made it through this experience still standing. I may be beaten and bruised, but I'm still standing-and I can only say I'm standing because I am trusting God in this process. I'm also standing with my biggest blessing-my sweet husband. God knew what he was doing when he put me with such a kind, compassionate, sweet, loving man. He knew that we needed each other to make it through this war together. The unknown is so scary, but I'm choosing to trust God in this muck. In my 28 years of life, He hasn't let me down yet, and I highly doubt He would start now. Even 2 days after this process began, I was learning valuable life lessons that I needed to learn.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I've learned that it's okay that life isn't going to go as you thought it would. God is more in control of situations than I ever thought possible. While I am an active participant in this thing we call life, I'm not in this alone. While I knew this before, I still struggle daily with completely letting go, and trusting. I have a difficult time believing that God truly does have my best interest at heart. I have a lot of difficulty thinking positively in situations. There are days that I allow thoughts of doom and gloom to creep in. The truth is, being a follower of Christ, I am not promised a perfect life, but I am promised eternal life. I'm not promised no trials, I'm promised hard trials. Ones that teach me to lean on a God, who really does have my back. Have you heard this song? It's one of my favorites. The words meant one thing to me before this process, but now it is a completely different ball game.

I'm no longer a slave to fear--I am a child of God. 

I've learned that I can't inherently trust everyone I meet. I've learned that it's okay to keep secrets-I don't have to immediately share every intimate detail about my life in order for people to know me. This is hard for me, but I've learned that not everyone is a friend, and that's okay. I have good friends. Human nature makes me feel like I have to justify why I am not at work, why I don't have a smile on my face, etc. etc., but I've learned that I don't have to share any of that to call out sick for a day or be grumpy. As a human I'm entitled to bad days, but dwelling in them is obviously not healthy. 

In this, I've learned that a lot of people don't know what to say or how to navigate a situation where someone is hurting. My advice is that, if you don't know what to say, or are questioning if what you want to say is appropriate, keep it to yourself. Words hurt more than you think. In this process I have had many hurtful things said to me. Yes, I've been hormonal, and in pain, but once the words are said, you can't take them back. With that being said, if you have something positive, supportive, kind, and loving to say, I'd love to hear it. 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2

I've learned that while modern medicine is good, there is a lot of room for improvement. Two words-bedside manner. In this process I learned that the doctor who handled my case was pretty crummy. She made a lot of mistakes. She built up a lot of hope in a pregnancy that was ending. I left the doctor's office believing things were normal, when in fact in 12 hours I would be miscarrying our first child. She "diagnosed me" with things in a nonchalant way, without explanation. She offered me documentation on miscarriage 2 weeks after my body had lived through the experience. It was exhausting. Needless to say-I have booked an appointment at a new doctor, in a new office. 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Then there are a couple things I've learned that don't need further explanation:

I've learned that I have an incredible support system comprised of friends and family who know just what I need.

I've learned that Google will automatically make me assume the worst (and likely that I am going to die).

One last thing: I'm not completely sure if anyone read or remembers this blog post but I encourage you to read it. For people who are in similar shoes as I, it can be really hurtful to have people ask this question. I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe stop asking. It can be more hurtful than you know.  

Also, for those of you with children: enjoy every single moment- be thankful, hug them tight, call them nice names, love them, snuggle them, praise God for them-they are a miracle. Even on the days when you're tired, you've cleaned up stuff that isn't yours all day, you want to get away-those are the days to do that even more. 

In the darkness I'll dance. In the shadows I'll sing. The Joy of the Lord is my strength.

two years ago...

2 years. 24 months. 730 days. 17,520 hours. 1,051,200 minutes. 63,072,000 seconds.

On this day two years ago....just two short years ago, I was scurrying around gathering the finishing touches for our big day. I think the list included the farmers market for our wedding flowers, the nail salon, maybe hair, and probably several trips to Michael's, Walmart or Target. Honestly, looking back just two years ago seems like a lifetime. I remember telling myself, "you better remember this moment." I wanted to remember how I felt, and the every single one of the fleeting thoughts racing through my mind.

Two years ago...I was getting married tomorrow. 

Two years ago...I was worrying if anyone remembered how to bustle my dress.

Two years ago...I was going to stand in front of our closest friends and family to pledge our lives to each other forever. 

Two years ago...I was thanking God for allowing me to find my perfect match. 

Two years ago...I was praying hard for a day that would represent us at our finest. 

Two years ago...I was kicking myself for not hiring a wedding planner

Two years ago...I was praying for our marriage, our next steps, and our lifetime together. 

Two years ago...I was hoping that I wouldn't fall walking down the isle.

Two years ago...I knew I wasn't settling. 

But two years ago...I knew tomorrow wasn't just about our big day, I knew it was bigger than that. I knew that tomorrow represented the start of our life together as a married couple. Two bodies, but one soul, knit together by the handiwork of our good good Father. 

Kevin and I have been through A LOT in our first two years of marriage, both personally, and as a unit. Those who know us more personally sort of know bits and pieces of what this adventure has looked like for us. 

In just two years...We have grown. We have had good days. We have been blessed. We have apologized. We have laughed. We have persevered. We have been each other's biggest cheerleaders. We have worried. We have kept promises. We have cried. We have respected each other. We have needed grace. We have had our fair share of differences. We have considered ourselves lucky. We have seen friends come and go. We have loved and been loved. We have been thankful. We have had bad days. We have been supportive. We have miscommunicated. We have prayed. We have shaken off the yuckies. We have thrived. 

2 years. 24 months. 730 days. 17,520 hours. 1,051,200 minutes. 63,072,000 seconds. 

I write all of this knowing that some people aren't as lucky as we are to have a healthy marriage. 

I write all of this knowing that some people don't consider their spouse their best friend. 

I write all of this knowing that 50% of marriages, end in divorce. 

I write all of this knowing that marriage is a journey, an adventure, and it is not all flowers, sunshine, and rainbows. 

I write all of this knowing that each relationship is different. 

I write all of this knowing that we wouldn't be where we are today if it wasn't for that third strand of God in our marriage. 

I write all of this knowing that there are single or engaged people who may read my blog. I'd love to say to you: DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING BUT THE ABSOLUTE BEST! 

I write all of this to say I'd love to hear from you, pray for you, and be your friend. 

I write all of this to say I love you! 

Love, Lora

P.S. Kevin, there is no one else I'd rather be on this crazy ride of life with! I love you so much!

for more of my thoughts on marriage see previous post: my thoughts on marriage just 9 months in

I'm Back!

Well, I'm both saddened and pleased to tell you that I am back from my trip to Uganda! What a life changing experience it has been for me!  Upon my return I became pretty sick with some pretty nasty stuff (I won't share the details) but it involved a temperature of 102.3 and an inability to get out of the bed.  I was absolutely convinced that it was the end of my life-pretty bad stuff.  Anyway, with my sickness I returned to work having not really had time to process what exactly I witnessed in Uganda. I have been waking up early and spending my time in the morning mulling over just what I had seen, heard, and experienced there.  In the few short hours I have had to mull it over I have compiled the beginnings of a list of the things I learned from Uganda.  So, without further ado, here it is:


The things I have learned and processed about my time in Uganda in the last 7 days:

God is SO alive
During my time in Uganda, I can honestly say, I felt God's presence in the rooms, in the bus, in the weather, in the sky, in the boats, in the bathrooms, in the hotel...EVERYWHERE!  Something about it just made me feel as though we were constantly enveloped in God's goodness, and love! As a team we hit rough patches that were just covered in God's perfect grace.  There were so many times I was just brought to tears, for absolutely no reason, besides the fact that I just felt HIM! I can't really describe, or put it into words.

We talk too much
Ugandan people are really okay with silence, but that is where we, as Americans, feel uncomfortable.  We fill the silence with our words and it might not always be appropriate. For example, while there I learned that most Ugandan's don't talk over a meal. They eat, enjoy their meals, clear the table, and then they talk and fellowship with each other. Four of us were able to enjoy a traditional lunch in Mama Winnie's home and all of us were trying to talk and strike up conversation with the children and the mums.  We promptly realized that their answers, while polite and nice, were very short and it was right back to eating. We later asked why it was so quiet...and found out this "silence during meal time" norm.  From that point onward, I found myself enjoying the silence. Spending time in it and soaking it in.  You should try it sometime...it's pretty awkward at first, but it gets better.

They really love potatoes
I don't think I could eat another potato....seriously.  Potatoes for breakfast lunch and dinner in multiple different forms.  Irish potatoes, potato pie, fried potatoes, chips (or french fries), potato salads, etc.  You get the picture--much like Bubba Gump Shrimp company-but potatoes.

White Yolk-Yellow Yolk
On day one I was served an omelet that appeared to be made of egg whites. It was quite delicious. Day two or three I saw a salad at dinner with hard boiled eggs cut into fourths on top. The yolks--white. Very puzzled by this, and slightly creeped out, I did some researching and question asking of our host. Come to find out-chicken's yolk colors are based on their diets. In Uganda it has something to do with free chickens vs. exotic chickens. Google told me it has something to do with white corn vs. yellow corn. Still puzzling, but pretty cool.

I really like American breakfast
We had the luxury of eating breakfasts in our hotel restaurants. Most mornings I was very excited about breakfast and went downstairs to find out we had been served "sausage". This sausage was actually a hot dog.  This was typically served with baked beans and, you guessed it, POTATOES!  I typically just stuck with a slice of bread and this delicious plum jam they have in Uganda!  I also had the occasional white-yolk egg omelet too.  Breakfast of champions :)

Long calls, short calls, and stretching in the bush
These are all ways to express your need to use the restroom without actually saying you gotta go.  It also allows you to discuss how long said bathroom trip is going to be and how long your friends may have to wait for you.  It kind of comes in handy actually. If you'd like to know the meanings, please ask! :)

Don't worry, be happy
Most every ill mood can be cured by changing the lyrics to "don't worry, be happy" and applying them to your current situation. Our host, Rogers, did an excellent job at turning our very occasional frowns upside down with this little ditty.

You eat it, you love it, and you say thank you
This is something that we were taught early on in our trip.  Ugandan people love food, and love to feed others. Our lunches served on buffet were not self serve, and you get one of everything they have. Even if you are unsure what they put on your plate you are to eat it, love it, and say thank you, even if you didn't really love it.

You don't need money to be rich
The people of Uganda are not a very rich people in regards to money, but they have something so many American's do not--happiness and joy in all circumstances. They are rich with family, culture, and love. There is very little, that I could see, that could bring them down. Instead of complaining, they chose to praise God for their blessings.  I'm hoping to adopt this a little more in my life. I've seen a touch of it this week. Before I left for my trip I would complain when my alarm went off at 5:30am to get up to go to work. Now I am springing out of bed, praising God for another day of life and a job to wake up for.  It's the little things, people!

If it fits, it ships
If you can find a way to fit it, secure it, or balance it on a bike, boda boda, or a truck, you can drive with it down the street. See pictures:

Turn around, don't drown is not not a thing in Uganda
Large puddles, even ones with currents, covering the road so you cannot see the bottom are perfectly safe to drive through. It doesn't matter how deep it is, driving through WILL be attempted. No questions asked.

God is God, and I am me, and apart from Him I am nothing
I overcame so many fears on this trip. I was so nervous, so ill equipped, so unprepared for what we were doing, but the second I stopped to realize the He will complete my shortcomings, everything got so much better. I have never felt so close to God as I did while I was in Uganda. As said before, he is ALIVE and well there. BUT, there were so many times that I was so far out of my comfort zone, living in an uncomfortable place, that I allowed myself to truly feel what it's like to feel his comfort, presence and peace.

2 months and 2 days

I would be lying if I didn't say I was completely terrified for this trip to Uganda. God is really stretching me outside of my comfort zone. I know that it is all under his control and in His hand, but it doesn't stop the fear from creeping in. Multiple airplanes, foreign countries, being halfway around the world and being away from family and friends is not my idea of comfort. This stretching is helping me grow though, every day leading up to this trip has been a new battle of faith. I know that this is necessary to completely experience the freshness and newness of God.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10

When I first started preparing for this trip I kept hoping that God was kidding, that it was a joke and the laugh would be on me. I would find myself trying to talk God out of the idea just to find myself later that day in a situation of overwhelming peace with God. My prayer was, "Okay, God, if this is really your will, show me how you are going to make this happen." And boy did he show up!

The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27:1

Here I am now, two months and two days until my trip, and my money has been raised because of the overwhelming generosity of friends and family and God's willingness to work in their hearts. The flights have been booked because God heard our prayers to lower the price to our budget. I have some new friends, because God put this team of women together and knew what we all needed. We have the money for a Ugandan BBQ as a special treat for the mum's we're going to serve. I will have accrued all the necessary time off from work I need.

Rise up, this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."  Ezra 10:4

With the overwhelming fear I feel everyday, there is also overwhelming excitement. I'm excited to meet my sponsored child and hug her. I'm excited to spend time with other children of God and worship and fellowship with them. I'm excited for the new friends I know I will make. I'm excited to experience the life change. I am excited to learn from other Godly women.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

where feet my fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me t

take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 

and my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.

If you're the praying type, please join me in prayer for our team, and the women we are going to serve. If you feel lead to pray for me specifically, it would be greatly appreciated.

Love, Lora

One Year Ago...

One year ago, on this day, my grandmother passed away. 365 days ago. After years of her brain being affected by Alzheimer's Disease, her body gave up the fight. In many ways, I hadn't had much of a connection to her for several years. She had forgotten my name, she had lost track of who I was, but she was always happy to see me. She always recognized me as a familiar person. If you have never experienced loving a person with Alzheimer's it is a very tough battle. It requires patience, perseverance, and a lot of love and forgiveness. It is scary and frequently frustrating. It takes a toll on close loved ones who want nothing but the best, but feel inadequate to provide it. My grandmother had Alzheimer's, but my grandmother was not Alzheimer's. There were years leading up to the diagnosis that my grandmother had a very sharp mind. In fact, I believe it was sharper than most. She had a knack for remembering little details, and telling stories. She was a great wife, sister, friend, daughter, mother, and grandmother. There have been many days since her passing that I feel her smiling down at me. There are little pieces of her around every corner of our home. Truth is, I learned a lot from that little lady. Here are some of the nuggets of wisdom I have gained.

• There is very little that chocolate cannot fix. 

My grandmother always had a smorgasbord of candy in her home. An entire candy buffet. There was never any reason to go without. If the last piece of your favorite candy was gone, there was always refills.

• Always look up.

One of my grandmother's favorite things to do was look at the clouds. Making shapes out of shapeless white wisps. Smiling up at the endless blue sky. This is a good lesson in more ways than one. Chin up, beautiful, God's got this.

• Family is everything.

No matter what, family is first. My grandmother spent years taking care of her mother who was also affected by Alzheimer's. She was an incredible wife, sister, mother, and grandmother. She took care of a lot of boo boos, emotional and physical. She raised my father to be the incredible man he is. She cherished every second of life with her husband and poured her heart and soul into her twins. Family is something you can't replace. Get together often, love them, forgive them, take care of them, cherish them.

• Celebrate the holidays to the maximum potential. 

Homemade Easter baskets, Christmas hams, fireworks, birthday cakes. Birthdays are not a holiday, but they sure felt like one in her home. My grandmother never let a holiday pass without decorations and celebrating.

• Creeper mouse isn't so creepy.

This is a weird one. My grandmother used to crawl her hands on me as a young child and recite a poem in a deep, gravely voice. She did it to all of us. It honestly scared me when I was young, but it always ended with a tickle. She "creeper moused" all young children.

These were the last words that I heard my grandmother say coherently. She recited the poem to my cousin's son. They were clear, crisp, and so full of feeling. Her mind gone and her body failing.

These words were recited at her funeral...I think of them often. 

"Creeper Mouse, Creeper Mouse, I'm going to Jesus' house."

• Be resilient.

My grandmother lived to be 94...she saw a LOT in her day. She dealt with the depression, development of technology, the death of her husband, and so much more. Each time she got knocked down, she got back up. Unscathed.

• Always be quiet, sit still, and listen in church.

Both of my parents were in the church choir. My mom singing and my dad directing. This left little bitty me in the care of my sweet grandmother during a long church service. Werther's Originals, gum, crayons, and a lot of pinching and elbows got me through an hour service week after week. I learned that being quiet in church is expected. Now that I'm an adult, I appreciate sitting still and listening a bit more.

• Building a sandwich is an art.

Grilled cheese, PB&J, and cold cut sandwiches were never made, they were built. My grandmother would always say, "I'm going to build you a sandwich." She made the best sandwiches. You could taste the love in every single bite.

• You can never have too many kitchen gadgets...

Boxes and boxes and boxes are still in my kitchen. After Kevin and I got married and moved into my grandmother's home there have been so many things of hers that have popped up. Cookie press, wisks, spoons, jar openers, egg beaters.

• or art supplies.

You never know when the art monster will strike. Crayons, canvas, paint, yarn, fabric, needles, paper...you MUST have it all. Creativity is something we were created for.

• Cookies are an adequate breakfast.

During times of track out, I would spend them with my grandma and grandpa. Their morning activity of choice: walking in the mall. After this, my grandmother would sit at a table with people of similar age and talk about current events, gossip, and complete the daily crossword puzzle in the paper while they guzzled free coffee and breakfast from the mall food court.  My breakfast-a cookie. Never failed. I guess I didn't qualify for the senior citizen discount at the Burger King. Cookies are better anyway.

• Appreciate dollar store barbies. 

Usually after this cookie breakfast of champions, I would get to go to the dollar store. I cannot tell you how many dollar store barbies I owned, but they were mine, they were from my grandmother, and they were AWESOME. 

I love you, Grandma. I hope that you are having the time of your life at Jesus' house. I miss you every day. I cannot thank you enough for teaching me, molding me, and making me a part of who I am today. You are precious.