Death has always been a very curious thing to me. It is part of the human life cycle-something that is inevitable for all of us. Life can be snatched away at any moment. It can happen after a long arduous process or in the blink of an eye; however, it always seems to catch us off guard, and jars us in a certain way. It is especially painful when the individual who is passing into the next life is a member of your family. In my life I have experienced the death of both of my grandfathers, my great grandmother, and my cousin. All passed in very different ways and all affected me differently.
I went to graduate school wanting nothing to do with working with adults or geriatrics and promptly changed my mind after a brief 3 months working in pediatrics. I currently work in a nursing home where dealing with death is certainly part of the territory. The loss of a patient is significantly different than the loss of a family member, of course!
I vividly remember the death of my first patient, and will likely never forget her name, her family, or the reaction and my realization of the reaction of all of my coworkers. I remember walking out of my patients room after watching her struggle to take each breath and the mask on her face attempting to provide her with as much oxygen as possible. I was likely making the most horrified face telling my manager that completing her speech therapy treatment was next to impossible as her condition had taken a turn for the worse. She passed away later that day. When I found out, I quickly began buzzing around the nursing home telling everyone "did you hear that ___ passed away???" "isn't that awful???" "oh my goodness!!" and each person looked at me as if I was absolutely insane. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly realized that all of them were emotionally unaffected by death and seemed to actually be struggling to have an emotional response to the fact that their patients had died. I remember driving the hour commute home crying, praying, wondering what else I could have done, etc.
I know that I grew from that experience. Proactively trying to never grow unresponsive to death. I have sat by many patients who are dealing with the receipt of a difficult diagnosis, have a poor prognosis, or are very clearly fighting for each breath. I sit with them and talk with them about their life. Frequently, when words become to difficult to speak, I hold their hands, tell them I love them repetitively and wonder if they have accomplished all they wanted to accomplish. I wonder about their life, their dreams, their hopes, their family, their friends. I realize that each of these people have a family who will be affected by their passing and pray that there will be peace. It's hard. SO hard. I frequently hear that what I do is a rarity, but I strongly believe this is how I cope.
With each of my patient's passing I learn a little more. I think I allow each one of my patients to mold me into the therapist they need me to be. I learn something from each of my patients.
All of these words come after the day I just had. After spending so many days in hospitals, in hospice buildings, I learned that a patient of mine passed away early this morning. I loved him and I absolutely adore his family. In fact, I shared my cell phone number with them and receive frequent calls from his wife about his well-being as he's been sick and the woman who ultimately left a tearful message on my cell phone informing me of his death. Although being there for her is certainly not easy the "I love you" she said to me over the phone prior to hanging up and my love is the least I have to offer her after she has lost the love her life. She has now told me that I am part of her family and I am praying that I keep in touch with her as long as possible.
As for the patient I lost today, RIP papa. I love you and know that you are in a much better place. Guide and protect Mama. I enjoyed every moment I was able to spend with you. Thank you for all you taught me. You have helped mold the speech therapist I am today.
Love is stronger than death even though
it can't stop death from happening,
but no matter how hard death tries
it can't separate people from love.
It can't take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.
-unknown
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